This briefing document summarizes the key themes and most important ideas presented in Chapter 13, “Parents & Teachers,” which focuses on applying the Practical Empathy Practice (P.E.P.) system to interactions with children. The chapter advocates for a shift away from punishment and reward, coercive control, and “bulldozer parenting” towards fostering empathy, autonomy, responsibility, and resilience in children through understanding and respecting their feelings, values, and needs. The document highlights the core principles of P.E.P. and provides practical examples and conversations demonstrating its application in various scenarios, including conflict resolution, setting boundaries, and addressing challenging behaviors like bullying.
Main Themes and Important Ideas:
1. Introduction to Practical Empathy Practice (P.E.P.) in the Context of Children:
P.E.P. is defined as a way of listening and speaking with the primary goals of liberation, understanding, strengthening connection, increasing responsibility, displaying clarity, and empowering self and others. The three core components of P.E.P. are: Observation without evaluation: Focusing on the words spoken without immediate interpretation of body language (though subconscious processing of body language is acknowledged). Feeling: Recognizing one’s own feelings and guessing the feelings of others. Values/needs/motives/wants: Guessing at one’s own and others’ underlying needs and values. A key rule of P.E.P. is to avoid language that “makes” someone feel something, instead focusing on the individual’s choice in processing stimuli (e.g., “When you heard that, did you feel…?” instead of “When you said that thing, it made me feel…”). The author clarifies his credentials with a touch of humor: “Before we go any further, I’m not a psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, veterinarian, oceanographer, or astrophysicist. Anything I say here that may come across as parenting advice is merely the speculative rantings of a fellow primate.”
2. The Pitfalls of Punishment and Reward:
Common punishments (e.g., “Stop crying. Calm down. Knock it off. You’re fine. There’s nothing wrong. Be quiet. Shut your mouth and do what I told you to do.”) and distractions (e.g., “Look at this. Here’s a goody to eat. I’ll give you this. If you are good, you can have a treat!”) are criticized for teaching children to distrust their own feelings, values, and needs. These approaches, though often stemming from a desire to minimize a child’s suffering, overlook the long-term damage caused by ignoring a child’s need to express, be heard, understood, accepted, and respected. Forcing compliance (e.g., “Share your toys! Come here! Eat your spinach! Go to school now! Say you’re sorry! Go to your room! Go to sleep!”) rarely works as desired and is commonly practiced with children despite the understanding that it is ineffective with adults. Reward systems are questioned for potentially fostering a “people-pleaser” mentality driven by external validation rather than an internal compass and intrinsic motivation. The author asks: “Do you want your kid to grow up to be a people-pleaser, motivated and controlled by other people and desire for material acquisition, i.e., external factors?” An alternative is proposed: fostering individuals confident in their internal compass, caring for deeper reasons, and motivated by intrinsic satisfaction. The example provided contrasts reward with encouraging reflection: “You did it, Susie! How does that feel? Why? How do you see this new skill helping you or others in the future?” vs “You did it, little Susie! I’m so proud of you! Here is a reward.”
3. The Importance of Empathy:
Empathy, in the context of P.E.P., involves responses that show understanding and validation of the child’s experience (e.g., “Wow you did it!”, “Hmm seems like you are having difficulty with that.”, “Seems like you are really disappointed.”). Empathizing out loud does not equate to giving in but rather demonstrates that the child is heard, their perspective is valid, and they are respected. When celebrating achievements, focusing on the child’s internal experience (“How does that feel? Why?”) is favored over expressing the adult’s pride (“I’m so proud of you!”), which can inadvertently condition the child to seek external validation. However, the author acknowledges that sometimes expressing pride can be beneficial. Instead of open-ended questions about feelings (“How does that feel?”), the chapter recommends guessing feelings to encourage emotional vocabulary and courage. Similarly, asking “why” about feelings is discouraged initially as it can be misinterpreted as evaluation; the underlying reasons are expected to surface with empathy and patience.
4. Growth vs. Safety and the Role of Natural Consequences:
While safety is paramount, the chapter encourages parents and teachers to consider whether force is truly necessary in every situation, urging them to ask: “Do I really need to force my kid to do or not do this thing? What is the price and what is the worst that could happen if I just allow the kid to make his own choice in this situation and reap the consequences? What lesson will they learn that will serve them later in life?” Consistent yelling and forcing compliance teach children that it is okay to force others against their will if one has authority or is bigger, hindering the development of responsibility and the opportunity to learn from mistakes. Imposed consequences that are unrelated to the behavior are criticized (e.g., taking away video games for not eating). The importance of respecting a child’s values, needs, and boundaries is emphasized, as this fosters individuals who know how to express their own and respect those of others. Natural consequences (borrowed from Becky Bailey’s Conscious Discipline) are presented as a valuable teaching tool. These are consequences that occur naturally without adult intervention (e.g., getting wet when playing in the rain, feeling cold when forgetting a jacket). The chapter differentiates between verbally recognizing an unmet need and fulfilling it, suggesting that unmet needs can often be opportunities to teach natural consequences or empower the child to find their own solutions. The benefit of allowing children to experience minor negative consequences is highlighted as crucial for learning and development, contrasting this with overprotective “rescuing.” The question to consider is: “Is this a situation where I can hold back and allow my child to continue to do what he/she is doing and learn a valuable lesson?” Lecturing and punishing after a natural consequence reduces learning by shifting the child’s focus to blame and shame rather than processing the event. Empathy and understanding are recommended instead. Doing things for children that they are capable of doing themselves (e.g., getting water, putting on shoes) hinders self-reliance and self-esteem.
5. Bulldozer Parenting and Hardship Inoculation:
“Bulldozer parenting” (similar to “snow-plow parenting”) goes beyond “helicopter parenting” by actively removing all obstacles from a child’s path, potentially hindering the development of resilience. Allowing children to experience hardship (within safe boundaries) is considered beneficial and may outweigh the immediate pain or risk. Parents are encouraged to gently insist children do things themselves when capable, emphasizing the increase in their power. This approach is aligned with “peaceful parenting,” which acknowledges the price of interference, especially coercion and excessive assistance.
6. Handling Conflict and Setting Boundaries:
When a child expresses hurt feelings due to someone else’s words, an empathetic response (e.g., “Are you sad because it hurts to hear things like that and you want more consideration for your feelings?”) is contrasted with fixing, dismissing, or encouraging retaliation. Empathy conveys powerful messages such as “You are responsible for your feelings” and “His actions come from his experiences,” fostering empowerment and understanding of responsibility. In situations where a child’s needs conflict with a parent’s (e.g., a child interrupting a phone call), a “third way” beyond permissive and authoritarian parenting is explored using natural consequences and clear communication. Parents are encouraged to first empathize with the child’s potential unmet need (e.g., to be seen/heard) and communicate their own needs (e.g., respect, consideration). Active consequences, tied closely to the behavior, can be used. In the example of a child repeatedly interrupting, removing oneself from the area is suggested. As a last resort, if the behavior persists, calmly and firmly setting boundaries, such as having the child go to their room, is presented as a justifiable action on one’s own property, emphasizing the parent’s obligations to safety and health but not to “make the child happy.” The potential negative consequences of consistently prioritizing a child’s immediate wants over teaching patience, consideration, and self-control are highlighted.
7. Bullying and Interference:
Interference in bullying situations should be a last resort, primarily used when a child’s safety is at risk. The example of intervening when a child hits another and redirecting them while using empathetic language (“We treat others with respect and consideration. Maybe you would like to get your need for power met by kicking a ball?”) demonstrates teaching beyond immediate peace. Introducing the language of needs and feelings to children can foster acceptance, peace, and clearer communication.
8. Practical Conversations and Exercises:
The chapter provides examples of “clinical” and “street” conversations demonstrating how to apply empathetic questioning to understand a child’s feelings and underlying values/needs in various situations (e.g., feeling ignored, struggling with homework, resisting chores, expressing dislike for how a parent talks to them). A key element highlighted in one conversation about a child not wanting to participate in class discussions is adding “right now” to an empathy question (“Speaking in front of the class feels uncomfortable for you right now?”). This addition emphasizes presence, reduces perceived pressure, and acknowledges that feelings can be temporary. The conversation about a child being forced to share toys strongly emphasizes that “Forced sharing is not sharing; it’s stealing.” True sharing is voluntary and stems from ownership. Forcing sharing teaches children that their bodies and property can be violated by authority figures. The exercises encourage readers to reflect on past interactions with children, identify feelings and unmet needs (both their own and the child’s), and practice reframing language to be more empathetic and focus on positive requests rather than demands.
Key Quotes:
“Remember, these experiences teach kids how to deal with other people and even life, so the odds are high these are the kind of responses your child will later give others when those others are struggling to express uncomfortable or ‘unacceptable’ emotions or needs.” (on the impact of common punishment and distraction) “I’d love to see a reduction in exceptions to ‘you don’t force people to do stuff’ across the board.” (advocating for less coercive parenting) “Important note: empathizing out loud does not mean we give in. It merely shows them we get them, their perspective is valid, and we respect them.” (clarifying the nature of empathy in P.E.P.)
“What is an alternative? How about a person who grows up confident in their internal compass, caring about others for deeper reasons than wanting to impress them and / or to get something from them (because they were treated with empathy while growing up)? How about a person who is motivated to succeed and be powerful because it feels good inside?” (contrasting externally driven behavior with internally motivated behavior)
“When we do these things for our children when they are developed enough to accomplish themselves, we deny them important lessons in self reliance and self esteem.” (on the impact of doing too much for children)
“But I have to force her to share her toys or she will never learn generosity!’ No. In fact, you are going to create the opposite from what you intend. We need to feel ownership before we can share. Sharing is a voluntary thing. Forced sharing is not sharing; it’s stealing.” (on the ineffectiveness and negative impact of forced sharing)
Conclusion:
Chapter 13 of “A Practical EmPath” provides a compelling framework for parents and teachers to shift their interactions with children towards greater empathy, respect, and understanding. By applying the principles of P.E.P., focusing on feelings and underlying needs, and utilizing natural consequences appropriately, adults can foster children’s emotional intelligence, autonomy, responsibility, and resilience. The chapter challenges traditional methods of punishment and reward, as well as overprotective parenting styles, advocating for a more peaceful and empowering approach that benefits both children and adults in the long term. The practical examples and exercises offer valuable tools for implementing these principles in everyday interactions.
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