Congratulations, Citizen 08675309!

Your life of ease and connection begins now! I’m your new humble, hyper-intelligent interpreting and filtering implant. You will expend less energy making boring, repetitive, or difficult daily decisions. You can call me your ticket to bliss! And guess what? You will never be alone again! I’ll always be here with you. Watching and listening. Even when you poop. You’ll get used to it. You will come to love me.

You may be wondering, “But how is that going to be any different than the surveillance cameras, microphones, and other devices all over the city, in my home, and in my phone?”

Great question! I am going to be in your brain! At that level, think of all the benefits! It may be difficult, so I’ll share some with you.

Triggers no mo

We will soften potentially triggering material taken in by your senses by, for example, blurring any representations of the American flag, manly men, and feminine females. Sound great? There’s more! For example, we haven’t fully attained our goal of every citizen having the same body composition. As you have seen, every time we get “there,” the next day someone goes on a fast or eats a couple pizzas and the whole “equality” thing is thrown off. So what I can do for you now is make everyone look the same to you or even uglier than you if you like. Through your eyes only, of course. It can do wonders for your self-esteem and rid you of that pesky nagging voice telling you to exercise.

Brief Daily Interruption Update #38: [Trigger warning] White toilet bowls have been determined by experts to increase racism. Your personal visual filter will now show all toilet bowls as black. Enjoy your day, Citizen!


But first, two easy steps get you membership into our growing Collective for Equality!

(1) Hold still for this voluntary mostly-painless mandatory injection into your cranium… Your screams are noted… Ah that wasn’t so bad, was it?

(2) Pledge allegiance to our god, Marx, the glorious goal for us all to be equal in povert- [beep-glitch-beep-logging error] I mean- equal in what we all have; equal in our adoration for the great provider, son of Marx, keeper of our happiness and safety, World Leader Good Friend; and finally, all receive the same pay rate, no matter what task World Leader Good Friend may offer us the privilege to complete for the glory of all and the genius of Marx!

Welcome to your new family built on love and tolerance! Yes millions died for our greater good and you may now mourn for up to one minute, Citizen…

Now for the fun part!

Some other benefits that come with your new implant:

– Are you angry at something rude said by an insensitive person who was not tailoring his words to meet the sensitivities of all who could hear his expressions? Your eyes and brain now have an auto-record feature, so all you have to do is an easy “squishy face” gesture with your fingers on their head and their Word Social Status score (WSS) drops proportionate to the situation, your WSS level, and other factors.

Our genius nerds who were hired based on their political philosophies are so well trusted, we are rolling that system out asap, bypassing pesky alpha and beta phases. Same guys that built me, I’m proud to say, Citizen! And look at how charming I am!

– Feeling down? Never again! I’m constantly monitoring your mood and any time it dips below a State-approved level, I stimulate your brain to provide an instant dopamine response!

– Did a person you are attracted to refuse sharing their time with you? Zap! WSS hit! Same goes with any shop owner who refuses to serve you for any reason. How dare he?

Greta the Climate Alarmist

Principles like freedom of association or dis-association are antiquated and non-inclusive!

It seems that no matter what punishments we enact to force people to live for others first, they too often revert back to their destructive, animalistic, selfish, and individualistic ways. Be assured, Citizen, we *are* making progress! Of course, because of your Daily Cultural Reinforcement Training, *you* see through the myth perpetuated by terrorists that in a free society, peoples’ self-interest tends to lead them to be decent to each other. If I had a real sense of humor and a body, I’d be laughing right now!

– Getting mugged? Self-defense is so barbaric and dangerous! Dependency is winning! We’ll dispatch Killer Drones to your location asap! If you live through the encounter, your WSS will be debited a few points, depending on how much mess needs to be cleaned up, how much medical care is required, damage to- and energy costs for the drones, and how many bullets were expended to peacefully deter the perpetrator.

– Neighbor displaying suspicious activity? Like what? Get an instant increase to your WSS, while knowing the joy of having decreased theirs! Some examples:

(a) Dangerous individualistic expression. Saying, wearing, or displaying subversive (anti-State, Anti-Marx, anti-normalcy, or Anti-World Leader Good Friend) words or symbols, keeping all communication positive and using only the words approved in the Universal World Lexicon.

1984 clip - The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism by Emmanuel Goldstein

(b) Antisocial behavior. Did they say no to an invitation to a State-approved party or gathering? Are they throwing a non-State-approved party or gathering consisting of more than 1 person? Suspicious vehicles in front of their storage container without the Approved Vehicle Tag (AVT) specific to your area or expired?

(c) Exercise. As we all know, exercise has been proven by experts to be unhealthy.

Approved by 3 Asian guys in white lab coats

Happy content citizens consume their nutrient paste and drugs, do their State-assigned tasks, and log their off hours using the wonderful State-approved medias provided for free via your New Built-in Personal a.i., me! Citizens who do not trust in the drugs and health care we provide are usually present or future dissidents and planning terrorism; activities that are a threat to public health. These dangerous rebels *must* be reported immediately.

Bonus: Reporting one of these misguided individuals earns you WSS points. I usually notice thing kind of thing but if not, you are free to point at them and that will bring more of my focus to your environment. This subspool of my awareness manages thousands, so yeah, sometimes I get bogged down. No worries! Our genius programmers are working on solutions, including but not limited to the ability to briefly utilize your natural cognition to do on-site processing. Ah I detect your worry and wish to reassure: This is usually not harmful in any meaningful way, though you’ll find in the agreement I signed for you before implantation that the State bears no responsibility should you be injured or injure others while operating heavy machinery at low or high speeds or any equivalently dangerous-if-suddenly interrupted by “unthinking” for a few seconds.

(d) Forming bonds. Unless you are an Agent of the State, your only approved bond is with World Leader Good Friend and his designated agents. As Orwell-the-God said in his blueprint for our dream, “Any love you give to your brother or sister is love that could have gone to the State.” Or something like that. Finally, there are various exceptions you can apply for, including mate-selection (we take care of that) and the mating process (we provide easy step-by-step assistance in preparation, enactment, and emotional trauma from the necessary immediate separation), of course.

Some real quotes by Orwell from his book, 1984

“The war is not meant to be won; it is meant to be continuous…”

“Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.”

“We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it.”

“Confession is not betrayal. What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. If they could make me stop loving you-that would be the real betrayal.”

“The Ministry of Peace concerns itself with war, the Ministry of Truth with lies, the Ministry of Love with torture and the Ministry of Plenty with starvation. These contradictions are not accidental, nor do they result from from ordinary hypocrisy: they are deliberate exercises in doublethink”

“There will be no loyalty, except loyalty towards the Party. There will be no love, except the love of Big Brother. There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy. There will be no art, no literature, no science. When we are omnipotent we shall have no more need of science. There will be no distinction between beauty and ugliness. There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed.”