“Emotional intelligence, more than any other factor, more than IQ or expertise, accounts for 85% to 90% of success at work.” ~ Daniel Goleman
Talking with a variety of individuals about empathy in work environments, I get mixed responses. On one end of the spectrum, empathy is seen as being helpful and even necessary for a harmonious working environment. On the other end is a more stoic perspective that feelings and needs impede efficiency and clarity.
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I’ve also observed that a person’s “rank” in a company often influences the amount of empathy they would like to see in their company. If a person’s position involves the management of other people and an expectation exists that this person dictates the actions of others, the path of most ease for that manager may seem to be to dictate rather than request. Clear common goals and realistic expectations may add to an environment where empathy is valued less. If everyone understands what is expected of them, why any need for the lubrication empathy can provide, especially when we know how “messy” feelings can be?
Rather than paint a picture of what the other end of the spectrum might look like, we’ll explore ways empathy can influence some business-oriented scenarios.
First, we’ll investigate from the perspective of an employee. Later we will put ourselves in the boss’ shoes.
Have you experienced times when you felt you did your very best, went above and beyond, and yet you hear nothing or you even hear criticism? How about feeling misunderstood or unappreciated when your accomplishments seem to be in plain sight? Are you getting your needs for rest, harmony, respect, consideration, appreciation, and recognition met at work?
Note: “misunderstood” and “unappreciated” are not feelings; they are evaluations, which are expressions of unmet values or needs. • A person claiming to be “misunderstood” is expressing a need / value for understanding. • A person claiming to be “unappreciated” is expressing a need / value for appreciation.
Too often we think that we either have to withhold information, lie, or otherwise protect our relationship with someone by protecting their feelings.
Before continuing, I want to restate and emphasize the above assertion because it is so wide-spread and important:
What happens when we withhold information, lie, or otherwise try to protect relationships with someone by protecting their feelings? Remember in the chapter on core principles where we talked about being responsible for our own feelings? We compromise our integrity and self-respect when we do this. Yet, we do it anyway, often because the alternatives seem to be brutal honesty or something that will negatively impact the relationship. Ironic that our worries of harming the relationship are at the root of a behavior that, over time, harms relationships.
Why not choose behavior that includes more authenticity while still being as compassionate as possible? Usually, it is because we don’t know what that path looks like.
“I can be authentic and compassionate at the same time!?” Typically, we only know the extremes of “nice talk” and “brutal honesty.” With some effort, we can learn to express the hard truths honestly and openly in a way that strengthens the relationship because of increased trust, respect, and integrity.
An example Stimulus from a client when a developer offers to optimize the client’s web site for mobile devices: “We at Best Widgets have no interest in our web site being optimized for mobile devices because few of our customers are using phones or tablets.”
The developer believes: Use of mobile devices for viewing the client’s demographic is actually higher than use of desktops and laptops, and growing.
Potential response 1 to the client I don’t want to “make the customer wrong” and lose the work, so I won’t correct this error because I don’t want to alienate them. I’ll just do as they ask.
Potential response 2 to the client “Hey Mr. Customer. I too remember when few people used mobile devices for this kind of thing. I also understand how you would rather not add any useless expenses to this project because you value efficiency and thrift.”
[Important: pause for them to respond. We’ll assume they agree so far.]
Continuing: “Since this is a decision that influences your business, I feel responsible to share with you the latest information, which is that the web server log files show that users who come to your site in the market for Best Widgets use mobile devices 55% of the time and desktop or laptop computers 45% of the time. The data also shows that the trend is moving toward more mobile use. That data also jibes with my research into your market demographic in general.”
Do you see the differences?
First, let’s acknowledge the more authentic approach can be wordy. Until certain advances in communication technology occur, this will probably remain a “con” in our pros and cons list for and against using more authentic and empathetic language.
Fortunately, I believe the “pros” of using a more authentic and empathetic approach outweigh the “cons” in most situations, depending of course, on your skill level. We can choose quick agreement to appease, comfort, and avoid potential conflict or we can choose the more honest and courageous path that shows we truly care about our client and builds trust and respect.
That all said, yes, it is important to pick your battles. Of course, if the client chooses to hold their ground, you either do as they want because you want to honor a specific client-developer agreement and you need to pay rent; you try more empathy; or you find a way to fairly and gracefully end the relationship.
I used a client / developer relationship here as an example. I’m hoping you see how this same model can be applied to a worker / boss relationship.
Are you enjoying the journey?
Do you look forward to work or do you groan at the alarm clock?
Many of us spend a significant portion of our lives in an a boring, difficult, or even toxic work environment, working toward building a hopefully sustainable enterprise, or nest egg and hoping to grow personally and professionally along the way. I’ll even hazard to say that most of us tend to care about the client or company we work for, even when we don’t have an ownership stake.
What values / needs do you think this serves? I’ll start you out: security and growth. I’m sure there are others that fit. Some may fit your relationship to your work better than others. Use this question as an opportunity to practice your empathy. It might help to pull up your list of values / needs back in the chapter titled “The basics.”
How authentic is the harmony?
Most of us value harmony and recognize the value in being friendly and accommodating, especially if that attitude comes from a genuine acceptance of our co-workers. Harmony in the work environment can increase efficiency and reduce stress. Sometimes we hold back full truth in favor of protecting feelings or keeping the relationship friendly. Or maybe we fear losing status, position, or our job. See the parallels with personal relationships?
Feelings & values in the workplace?
When we don’t have the tools for communicating with compassion and efficiency, we might hold back and pay the price in these potential ways: • Vital information is not shared. • Decrease in how well we know each other’s preferences. • Increase in resentment. • Decrease in respect.
Example Let’s adopt the perspective of a Project Manager named June. June has noticed and felt concern over some behaviors in the company’s weekly strategic planning meetings. Mary, the COO, facilitates the meetings. When high priority action items get side tracked by items June consider to be superfluous, she feels frustrated because she wants more efficiency. June wants to tell Mary, the COO, that she can see more efficient ways to run a these meetings but she hesitates. The last time she tried, Mary reacted defensively and shut down the conversation. June also lost “points” with Mary. We might assume Mary is not comfortable with change or constructive criticism.
If June wants to “dog for her needs,” she might begin by putting herself in Mary’s shoes. Looking through a lens of empathy, she may guess the following:
Mary has many responsibilities and daily challenges. She is actually concerned about the weekly strategic planning meetings and is feeling a bit overwhelmed. The CEO (Richard) has been breathing down her neck to allow his cousin, Jimmy, to have a voice in those meetings. Mary has grown to abhor the meetings she used to enjoy. It takes all of her willpower to keep cool whenever Jimmy speaks. She can tell it is affecting the project managers but feels constrained by her limited options.
The point here is that everyone has a story and values / needs they are attempting to serve by the actions we see them taking. Let’s call these actions “strategies to meet values / needs.” If we take the time to hear and understand their story, to empathize, we can dissolve the “us vs them” perspective that is keeping us from approaching others from a more empathetic angle.
What is the next step in a strategy to improve her relationship with Mary?
She could say something like the following June: “Hey Mary. Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed a shift in the weekly strategic planning meetings. I am curious how it has been for you?”
Mary: “Me too. It’s not an easy topic.”
June: “I hear that! Are you feeling overwhelmed, wanting solutions, but also wanting to trust that our conversation can be kept between us?” [Here June took a few stabs in the dark to guess quite a bit about Mary’s state, including a need for privacy and security.]
Mary: “Yes!”
June: “Deal. You are safe. What’s it like to be in your role, with expectations and pressure coming at you from all sides?”
Mary: “It’s hard, June. Richard’s eyes glaze over any time I bring up Jimmy.”
June: “Are you noticing how Jimmy’s input slows the meetings down, wanting to somehow fix that, but worried how Richard will react?”
Mary: “Exactly!”
Notice how June is listening for feelings and values? She is gathering valuable information while building a trusting connection with Mary so they can more efficiently brainstorm together on a solution. Also, notice how June is not rushing to offer advice or reassurance?
Let’s stick with the office environment but shift to a slightly different kind of situation where we will apply the same tool.
You are not a slave to your emotions
Imagine the space in time between when you perceive someone tells you they are not happy with something you did or didn’t do, followed by a moment, and then your reaction (defense, offense, apology, retreat). That time period (“a moment”) is malleable. With some exercise, you can increase the amount of internal processing you can get done within that time period so that you can reply from a position of greater awareness and grace.
Imagine feeling as if you have plenty of time once you experience something, to ask yourself, “How does being defensive in this situation serve me?” Sometimes you may wish to choose to hold on to and display righteous anger and sometimes not. And with the practice I will demonstrate, you will even decrease the chances of feeling anger in the first place! But the point here is that you have choice. You are not a slave to your emotions. With practice: You have the time to dispassionately examine the moment and choose which reaction will best serve you.
How do we apply empathy in potentially volatile “office environment” situations?
Situation 1 Boss: “You were late with the report, flake.” Response – Defensive: “I’m not a flake! You overwork me!” Alternative Response – Empathetic: “I’m guessing you want to trust the reliability of my word and know that I understand how late delivery affects you?”
Situation 2 Boss: “I see the project is behind schedule.” Response – Defensive: “You didn’t remind me, dictator.” Alternative Response – Empathetic: “I’m guessing integrity is important to you and this can impact how the client sees you? Would you like to talk about a solution?”
Practical Empathy’s value in business relationships
• We are guessing at values / needs for better understanding of each other. This helps in dealing with not just the current situation, but all future interaction. • We are practicing and showing the ability and desire to listen in a focused manner, showing curiosity and that we value how the situation affects the other person. • We are taking responsibility for how our actions affect others and we are helping the other person take responsibility for their reaction.
This is practicing empathy. Every time we pause to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective and guess at their values – “trust,” “integrity,” and “understanding” in this case – we are strengthening our ability to empathize and working toward this becoming automatic. Yes, with practice, you improve your “emotional intelligence” (EQ) to the point where empathetic responses become automatic more and more often. I call this “integration.”
Benefits to the entire company
• Shift of attitudes to more positive. • Shift of moods from apathetic to more empathetic. • Fostering an atmosphere where more personal responsibility is encouraged, enjoyed, and accepted. • Increased trust. • Increased individual and company-wide efficiency. • Smoother lateral and upward transitions within the company. • Decreased employee turnover.
All of which leads to improved morale, company sustainability, and increased profit margins.
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