Observation without evaluation is the key to unlocking the mysteries of intuition. By understanding the subtle cues of our surroundings and empathizing with the feelings and needs of others, we cultivate a profound awareness that guides us towards informed decisions and harmonious relationships, even with our dolphin companions.
After many years of practicing the Practical EmPath (PEP) method of empathy, I trust my intuition more and have become much more aware of why people do what they do, including why and when I’m being lied to. How did that happen? First, let’s look at how the first three components of PEP relate to intuition.
The basics
Intuition is often described as a feeling that arises within us, giving insights that may not be easily explained or understood. It is a powerful tool that we all possess, but often overlook or dismiss. By applying PEP, we can learn to harness and develop our intuition.
Let’s first look at the ways each component of PEP can – by itself – level up our intuitive capabilities.
As you recall, observation is the first step in the PEP model, and it involves observing without evaluation. This means that we are simply observing what is happening around us without adding any evaluation, interpretation, or judgment. By doing so, we become more aware of our surroundings, and this heightened awareness alone can lead to an increase in our intuition.
For example, if we are in a meeting and we observe that someone is avoiding eye contact, we may pick up on a subtle cue that indicates that they are uncomfortable or not being truthful. This observation can be the starting point for developing our intuition further.
The next step is to identify feelings. By acknowledging and naming their feelings, we can better understand them and their reactions to a particular situation. If this feels difficult in the moment, ask yourself what your needs would be if you were observing and feeling what they are. This awareness can help us to recognize patterns in behavior and thought processes, which can be used to develop our intuition. But also, as I’ll talk more about later in this chapter, recognition of their needs will subconsciously combine in our brains with our conscious and subconscious observations.
For instance, if we notice that a person feels anxious when they are in a particular situation, we can begin to examine why that is the case. We can explore their unmet values or needs in that moment. By doing so, we begin to recognize when similar situations arise in the future and use that knowledge to inform our decisions.
By understanding what is important to them, we can begin to recognize situations that align with those values or needs. This awareness can help us make decisions that are in line with our deeper awareness of their nature, and by extension to a lesser degree, all human nature, which can lead to a more intuitive way of living.
For example, if we value honesty and integrity, we may be more likely to pick up on cues that indicate someone is being dishonest. By identifying our values / needs, we become more attuned to situations that align with them, and this can lead to a greater sense of intuition.
Another example during a meeting
You observe that someone’s speech is showing a pattern of worry and caution. You guess that their underlying values / needs are for safety and security. Maybe privacy. Acknowledging these values / needs can help how tailor how you respond.
How did it happen for me?
My hypothesis goes like this
When we communicate in person, we subconsciously take in and store visual, auditory, and scent data. This includes noting facial expressions; gaze; pupil dilation; respiration depth and rate; voice tone, volume, and cadence; body language; and even pheromone analysis. You have most likely heard the term, “body language.”
Normally, our brains combine that information with the words we hear, as well as what we already know of that person.
What if we get more verbal information than provided in shallow interactions? What is more? Feelings, values / needs / wants / motives, and the additional sensual data that comes when a person is asked deeper questions, then it is an extra dimension of data for our brains to combine with the aforementioned sensual information. This increases the probability of detecting anomalies between behavior and the words spoken.
In addition, knowing one person more deeply, those data points – while different for each person – have some overlap with all humans, meaning not only are we learning more about the current person we are relating to, but we have also gained increased understanding of all humans to some degree.
And the beauty in this method is that we are not consciously exercising analysis or memory. We’re spontaneous in both the learning and the use!
Here’s an example of a couple different ways a casual conversation could go, so you can get an idea of how much more information may be coming in:
Example of “typical” conversation
Question: “How was work today?”
Answer: “It sucked.”
Question: “Oh sorry to hear that. Would you like to forget about it over dinner and a movie?”
Answer: “Sure!”
vs
Example of more empathetic conversation
Question: “How was work today?”
Answer: “It sucked.”
Question: “Oh sorry to hear that. Are you feeling tired and frustrated?”
Answer: “Frustrated yes. Tired, not so much.”
Question: “Ah. Someone at work getting in your way?”
Answer: “Yeah. My boss is trying to micromanage me.”
Question: “Oh! I know how much you value autonomy!”
Answer: “Exactly! Super frustrating to have someone second-guessing me when I know my job.”
Question: “I bet! It would be nice if they could show you more trust and respect, eh?”
Answer: “Yes! I just need to be patient. Thanks for being such a great listener.”
Question: “Of course! Wanna do dinner and a movie?
Answer: “Sure!”
Notice how much more information about the other person’s world we are getting in the second example above?
Skeptic: Uh but look how long that conversation took. Too many words.
Answer: You get what you pay for.
Imagine the depth in which you will understand a person (and they can understand you) if you choose to use empathy questions more often. In future conversations with that person, with greater understanding of that person’s motives (values / needs), communicating with that person will become more efficient because less words will be needed to convey the same idea and less mistakes will occur in guessing their feelings and needs.
Warning: not always a fun skill
Here’s the catch: People lie often. Especially when so many have been brought up to be “people pleasers.” I’ve been deprogramming myself for many years and there is still a significant part that wants to be liked and wants to protect people from pain, so I understand. And to tell the truth, I wasn’t lying before, I don’t know if I want to deprogram all of the “people pleasing” instinct. Perhaps it is a useful trait we evolved to assist in group cohesion? At times.
It doesn’t feel so good when you know someone is being dishonest. This is yet another situation where we can practice self-empathy as well as empathy for the other person, in order to get to a place of understanding and acceptance. That process may look like:
Self-empathy
“I’m feeling some anger and annoyance because I am not getting the trust and respect I want.”
Silent empathy for them
“Perhaps he was worried about my feelings and has a strong value for comfort?”
or
“Maybe they feared the truth would negatively impact our relationship?”
Silver lining
Overall, however, this has been a useful skill that has come in handy often and I would not change it. I’m actually still doing the kind of work that means I’ll get even more accurate with the “lie detection.” What helps is that this same work is strengthening my integrity, understanding, and acceptance, so I’m less likely to take it personal when being lied to.
Finally, as you read the other chapters on romantic relationships, parenting, debate, business, negotiation, and mediation, ask yourself how increased ability to “see through” people to their real motives can benefit you and the relationship.
Finally finally, I want to be clear that “lie detection” is merely one example of what you are really gaining; intuition superpowers!
Review
We see how applying the four components of PEP can level up intuition. We learn of the importance of observing without evaluation and identifying feelings and values / needs. By doing so, we become more self-aware, developing a heightened sense of awareness of our surroundings, and especially recognizing patterns in the behavior and thought processes of others. This awareness leads to a deeper intuition and self-trust, which can help us make more informed decisions in all areas of our lives, and even form more harmonious relationships with our dolphin friends.
The role of observation
Observation, the first step in PEP, is crucial for developing intuition. Observing without evaluation allows for a heightened awareness of one’s surroundings, which can lead to more accurate intuition, as exemplified by noticing subtle cues in others, like avoiding eye contact or excessive face touching, which might indicate discomfort or dishonesty.
Identifying feelings & needs
Recognizing these elements helps in understanding others’ reactions and behavior patterns, which are instrumental in honing one’s intuitive abilities. For instance, understanding someone’s anxiety in certain situations can reveal their unmet values or needs, aiding in the development of intuition.
Personal intuition development
We hypothesized on how intuition develops through PEP. It involves absorbing and processing various types of data (visual, auditory, scent) during interactions, especially when deeper questions are asked. This enhances the detection of inconsistencies between behavior and spoken words, thereby improving intuitive capabilities.
Empathy in conversations
We look at examples to illustrate the depth of information gained from empathetic conversations versus typical conversations. Empathetic questions can reveal much more about feelings, needs, and values, contributing to a richer understanding of human nature and intuitive insight.
Challenges & benefits of enhanced intuition
We also acknowledge the challenges of heightened intuition, such as the discomfort of recognizing dishonesty, practicing self-empathy and empathy towards others as a way to cope. Finally, we underscored some benefits of enhanced intuition, not only in lie detection but also in gaining a deeper understanding of people’s motives and strengthening relationships across various life aspects like business, negotiation, and personal interactions.
Conversations
Conversation 1
Jane: “I just can’t trust what my colleague says anymore. He always seems to be hiding something.”
Bob: “Do you feel uneasy because you sense dishonesty?”
Jane: “Yes, and it’s frustrating not knowing the truth.”
Bob: “Is it important for you to have transparency in your relationships?”
Jane: “Absolutely. I just wish I knew what he’s really thinking.”
Bob: “Understanding his intentions would help you feel more secure?”
Jane: “Not so much security as trust.”
Conversation 2
Ted: “You know, I always feel like our manager is not telling us everything.”
Sue: “It sounds like you’re skeptical. Does he seem to be withholding information?”
Ted: “Yeah, and it bothers me.”
Sue: “Is it because you value openness and honesty?”
Ted: “Exactly. I just want to know where I stand.”
Sue: “Would that give you more clarity and assurance?”
Conversation 3
Alice: “My friend’s excuses for not meeting up don’t seem genuine.”
Mark: “You’re feeling doubtful about her reasons?”
Alice: “I am. It’s like she’s not being honest with me.”
Mark: “Would you feel more at ease if she was straightforward and transparent with you?”
Alice: “Definitely. I value honesty above all.”
Mark: “So, clarity and truthfulness are key for you in maintaining trust in a relationship?”
Conversation 4
Kyle: “It seems the report was manipulated to look better than it is.”
Emma: “Are you concerned because you’re picking up on inconsistencies?”
Kyle: “Yes, and it’s unsettling.”
Emma: “Is it because you value integrity and accuracy in your work?”
Kyle: “Absolutely. Accurate data is crucial for our decisions.”
Conversation 5
Liam: “Sometimes I think my brother is not being honest about his financial troubles.”
Diana: “You seem to be worried. Do you think he’s not sharing the whole truth?”
Liam: “Yes, and it’s hard not knowing how to help.”
Diana: “Would understanding the full extent of his situation help you feel more equipped to support him?”
Liam: “It would. I just want to be there for him.”
Diana: “So, having a clear and honest picture is important for you to provide the right kind of help?”
Conversation 6
Judy: “I can’t stand it when people are dishonest with me.”
Frank: “Feeling frustrated when you detect dishonesty?”
Judy: “Yes, it’s like I can never tell if they’re being truthful.”
Frank: “Do you want more transparency and trust in relationships?”
Judy: “Absolutely. It’s essential!”
Exercises
Observation exercise
Take a moment to observe your surroundings without any evaluation or judgment. Simply observe the colors, shapes, and movements around you. As you do so, try to become more aware of your surroundings and the subtle cues that may indicate something deeper.
If you are in a place where other people are present, or when you next are, observe them in the same way, noticing the objective things about them. Some evaluations and comparisons may arise. Notice them and convert them to objective observations. It may help to combine those observations with feelings. Why? Let’s look at an example.
Initial thought: “That woman is obese.” It can be hard to translate it into a pure observation without evaluation or comparisons. First attempts may be “She is large” or “She is larger than the people around her.” Both are still evaluations. Adding your feelings can make it easier: “I feel worried by her size” and even adding “because I value health” to the phrase.
Feelings exercise
It may be helpful to reference the feelings chart in Chapter 4, The basics.
Throughout the day, take note of your emotions. When you experience a strong feeling, pause for a moment and try to identify it. Are you feeling angry, sad, happy, or something else? By doing so, you can become more self-aware and start to recognize patterns in your emotional responses. As with the observation exercise, you can take this feelings exercise one step further and identify your underlying met or unmet need / value.
Another way to increase your awareness using feelings is to identify the feelings of others you see around you. Remember, if you are observing strangers, there’s not necessarily a need to confront them with your guesses. This is an exercise you can do in your own head. Is that woman you evaluated as obese feeling pain in her knees? Is she feeling sad or embarrassed about her size and the health issues it may bring her?
If you are observing someone you know and they are okay with this “game,” guess out loud at their feelings.
This part of the feelings exercise, guessing at the feelings of others is a powerful way to enhance your “empathy for others.”
Values / needs exercise
Reflect on your life and identify your top five values or needs. These could be things like honesty, connection, or creativity. Once you’ve identified them, think about how you can align your daily actions and decisions with these needs and values. Doing so can help you feel more fulfilled and connected to your authentic self.
Now, as in the previous exercises, observing strangers (and people you know) and guessing at their values / needs can be a powerful exercise! Not only are you practicing your empathy superpowers, but you are also building a habit of using empathy instead of evaluation.
The next time you are in a conversation with someone, practice empathizing with their feelings and values / needs. Try to identify what they may be feeling and what needs they may have that are not being met.
Then, if relevant / appropriate, make a positive, doable request that aligns with both of your values / needs. This can help create a more supportive and empathetic environment.
Putting it all together
Pay attention to your gut feelings and instincts throughout the day. When you have a hunch or intuition about something, pause and try to identify what may be driving that feeling. Is it a need or value that is being triggered? This exercise can help you develop your intuition and become more attuned to your inner wisdom.
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