Condensed version. I cut out parts of this chapter to keep it relatively short.
By navigating disagreements with understanding and addressing underlying needs, we cultivate deeper connections and foster trust in romantic relationships.
We’ll start off discussing these two statements “For peace, keep your mouth shut.”
“A wise man once said… nothing. He let her vent and then they had sex afterwards.”
I see some wisdom… and a big problem with the message derived from those aphorisms.
If the idea in that moment is for a person to deeply listen with empathy instead of evaluation, defensiveness, or advice, then yay, I totally support the practice!
However, if the idea is to stay silent in order to keep the peace or worries about damaging the relationship, by hiding disagreement, this may be a recipe for potential short-term peace and long-term disaster.
How? The idea of staying silent might play into or come from the assumption that there is no way to empathetically express disagreement. That idea is dangerous for multiple reasons: • If done often, this can build and reinforce a habit of favoring comfort, safety, and harmony over authenticity. • Getting used to receiving very little negative feedback can create fragility and / or expectations that may exaggerate the impact of any negative feedback that will eventually come. • Which can lead to a building up of resentment that will eventually come out as anger, violence, or possibly even more insidious, subtle or slow loss of respect and increase in feelings of content for the partner.
Note: The negative consequences above can apply to both the person “holding back” their truth and to their mate who rarely encounters boundaries.
“We never argue or disagree” What do you think or feel when you hear that? Envy? Hope? Distrust? Derision? Admiration?
That might be a signal the couple is in perfect loving peaceful sweet accepting soulmate harmony or it might be an indicator there are one or two volcanoes slowly building up pressure to explode and make a terrible mess.
Or maybe they are expert at holding it in or dealing with things internally?
Maybe they have both attained a monk-like level of Zen and acceptance. It happens!
If it’s more hidden than processed, please consider how these behaviors influence those observing, like for example, if the couple has children. Do we want to send a message to children that they can not or should not express “those ugly or dangerous” emotions, as if they can not be expressed in a healthy way? More on this in the “Parents and teachers” chapter.
Expressing disagreement
There are more options than yes and no. We are going to focus on “no” here, but in a way where our disagreement comes from a place of understanding.
An example “Hey Honeybuns, are you really wanting me to come with you to play cards with the gang because you want some connection along with your play?”
Response: “Yes! You know I like playing games and I also enjoy growing closer to our friends.”
“Thanks. It does sound fun. I’m in need of some rest tonight and wondering if you would be up for going by yourself this time or taking someone else?”
More on this in later chapters, including the chapter on politics.
Dealing with jealousy
Example “You sonofabitch! I saw you looking at that waitress’s butt as she walked away!”
Defensive or “give in” response: “You are right. I’m so sorry. I’ll never look at another woman again!”
Aggressive response: “Well if you would lay off the sweets and get off your ass from time to time, I’d be checking out your butt!”
Empathetic response: “Are you pissed off because you want more consideration and respect?”
Or we can take a route where we put off guessing the value / need until they have replied to the feeling. We could also choose to add the observation part like so:
“When you saw me looking at that woman, did you get angry and embarrassed because of how it appears to our friends when I’m looking at other women?”
This response might get a “yes” or a correction that helps us understand her better:
“You are right that I’m pissed off. And yes some consideration and respect but more like I don’t care about what other people think. I just want you to appreciate me more.”
See what genuine empathy can reveal and heal? If you skipped the chapter on “Being & sounding natural,” I highly recommend you check it out because it goes more in-depth on how to and why we may want to slow the conversation down.
Benefit of the doubt
Have you heard this cliche? If we could rate an idea in terms of how empathetic it is, I’d say “benefit of the doubt” is near the top.
There is always a motive, value, or need being served by a person’s actions. A mess was not cleaned up to your satisfaction? Perhaps the “mess-maker” had a need for rest, relaxation, peace, or ease? Did they have an unusually stressful or frustrating day? How is their energy level? This is a thought pattern that will more often come to you automatically the more you practice the Practical EmPath system.
Giving your lover an out
What is an “out”? I’m referring to providing your lover an easy path to telling you a hard truth. Many – if not most – of us have a certain amount of desire to “people please.” Often, when faced with sharing something with those close to us, we choose to be less than fully authentic in order to protect their feelings and / or preserve harmony. As you may suspect, this can lead to resentment that will come out at some point and – ironically – damage the relationship.
Because of this very human way, it can be difficult to get your mate to share “hard truths” with you, even when you genuinely want to know. This is where “giving them an out” comes in. This is where your practice of P.E.P. style empathy increasing your courage and imagination can come in handy.
Example – real world example of Albert giving his wife an out
Albert: “Darling (or whatever you call her). Remember when we first met and I was competing with Jose for your time and affection? (pause for her to answer) I remember the joy I felt when I finally won your love. Now I wonder, though. You had dreams of going to University to learn and grow. But then you became pregnant with my child and all your dreams were put aside, along with Jose. I can only imagine how crushing that may have felt for you and I’ve never acknowledged that. Now your days are filled with taking care of the baby while I’m out all day. It makes sense that you would have resentment and anger about this situation.
From your perspective, it could very much feel like I ruined your dreams! No wonder you are angry! I want you to know that I would do anything for you, including letting you go if it would increase your happiness. I’m not trying to push you away, either! I still believe there is a chance we can get through this, especially if we are honest with each other. And at the same time I want you to look deeply into your heart and ask yourself if a break from this way of living would increase your happiness. And if these solutions seem drastic, I’m sure we can find something in the middle that will work, like a trial separation where you live with your mother while we figure things out. If that seems attractive to you, then please tell me. Yes, I will feel hurt but I will recover and live through it.”
Do you see the “out” he offered her in that statement above? Albert’s chose the worst case scenario and let her know he is strong enough to handle her admitting it. I wonder how many mates hold resentments over crushed dreams bottled up inside for years?
Ideally, the conversation would flow a bit more with him pausing many times to allow her to comment. I condensed it here so you can get the full impact all at once. Also, I wasn’t present when he brought it up with her. And yes, she asked for a temporary separation. Albert tells me they are now both more happy and actually working on building a relationship again.
In order to give his mate the benefit of the doubt, it was helpful for Albert to take an important step toward letting go.
Letting go
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~ Ann Landers
“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ~ Deborah Reber
“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” ~ Deepak Chopra
“You can only lose what you cling to.” ~ Buddha
Legging go is a superpower we’ve discussed in other parts of the book, including chapter one. Here is a reminder:
Tending to coincide with acceptance and being in the moment, letting go is a state of peace / contentment where one’s desire to hold on to a person, thing, idea, agenda, or outcome decreases. You may find yourself speaking less and listening more. In some situations where the “old you” may have spoken up with an offer of clarification, disagreement, guidance, or reassurance, the new and shinier you may find yourself either empathizing or merely observing, with no desire to interfere or color the situation with your opinions…
Having come this far in the book, you may have a new and more clear understanding of the process and benefits of letting go. It may even be easier for you now.
In some situations, a person may “get under your skin” or you may feel a certain “energy” when they are with you, and a “drained” feeling when they are not present. But, unfortunately, they don’t feel the same way about you.
That can be lonely and painful to deal with! How can we use P.E.P. to foster letting go?
Self-empathy • Identify the feelings – Pain? Loneliness? Sadness? Tiredness? • Values / needs – What values / needs are not being met? Connection? Love? Stimulation? Support? Community? Nurturing? Excitement? Companionship? • Actions – Finally, what activities or people, other than that person, can you think of that meets those values or needs?
Relationship maintenance
Emotional bank account I once heard someone use the term “emotional bank account” to describe the way one might look at how good will between mates can fluctuate and how it is advisable to make “deposits” to your shared emotional bank account, which can build trust, respect, good will, and even attraction.
When your relationship faces inevitable challenges, having a positive balance in your emotional bank account will be preferable.
What if you are a dual income home and you lose your job? What if you get in an accident and lose use of half your body? What if you get cancer? What if they catch you being romantic with a dolphin?
You better have a large balance in that emotional bank account!
The following acts are best done at a time when you have no requests or “buts.” Adding a request will usually cheapen or reduce the authenticity of your gift.
What needs do they meet? Regularly share with your mate the needs they meet for you.
“Hey lover, I want you to know some of the values / needs you often meet for me. Support. Mental and visual stimulation. Beauty. Sexual gratification and expression. Touch. Nurturing. Being heard. Being understood.” Maybe give them examples of some things they do that meet those values / needs.
You could then choose to ask them how hearing that impacted them. Or not. The tears in their eyes may be enough.
Random acts Tailor the act to their preferences! A gift that you would enjoy more than they do is not a gift that will add to the emotional bank account. Does your mate prefer gifts, experiences, time with you, words of appreciation, or acts of service? Yes, here I’m drawing from a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Unless the act is a surprise, consider involving your mate in the decision. I hear all too often of a person intending to create pleasure, but the response they received was the opposite because they made too many assumptions.
“Hey hun I planned a trip for us to the Bahamas! We leave Thursday.” Response: “But I’m allergic to salt water and Thursday is my mom’s funeral!”
“I bought you this great upgrade for my computer with our savings!”
“Isn’t the puppy cute? He is yours. Surprise!”
Along the lines of gifting them with service, you could cook them a meal, do a chore they usually do, or something else that shows you think and care about their happiness as they move through life’s various challenges.
Do not ask for gratitude or criticize their response Remember we talked about how often we don’t need to make a request when empathizing? Note how the following empathy question does not require a positive do-able request:
“When she held your hand, did you feel excited because you value connection?”
You are asking nothing of them except for feedback on their internal state. Somewhat along these lines is you having any expectation of action or reward, whether it be a smile, verbal gratitude, a reciprocal gift, or service. Any of that will reduce the value of your gift, turning it into more of a request for trade. This kind of behavior is the cause of the cliche that goes like, “Uhm thanks… what do you want now?”
Instead, empathize with their response, but only if they say something that seems to require a response from you. There can be a sort of grace in silent acceptance of their reaction.
Back to some non-silent empathy “I see the look on your face and I am a bit worried you might have wanted something different?”
and
“Noticing your response, I wonder if you may have preferred a different sauce?”
not
“Oh great! I try to be thoughtful, put in all that work, and you nitpick how I did it. That’s the last time I trim your hair for you while you sleep!”
Respect
When respect is lost between mates, it can be difficult or sometimes even impossible to regain. And without mutual respect, there isn’t much that can save the relationship.
What are some ways we can lose the respect of our mate?
Losing respect for ourselves Are you neglecting your emotional, spiritual, psychological, physiological, or financial health? How do you treat yourself? How do you speak to yourself inside your head and out loud? Do you have purpose and meaning in your life? Do you keep promises to yourself?
The way we treat others How do you treat service workers? How do you treat children? How do you treat the elderly? Your relatives? Animals? Inanimate objects? Enemies? All of this behavior reflects on you and ultimately, how you think of yourself.
The ways we treat our mate Finally, treating our mate without respect is a recipe for reducing their respect for you.
Remember that old adage some call “the Golden Rule” that goes something like, “Treat others how you would be treated”? Guess what? I don’t agree with this. It seems to assume that we are all the same. How about… we all have different ways we like to be treated. These differences depend on many factors, including our upbringing, personality, mood, the person we are interacting with, our values, and the context of the moment.
So no, I’m not necessarily going to treat you how I like to be treated. I’m going to attempt to treat you how you want to be treated. How do we know how others want to be treated? We ask and listen! We guess! We use empathy.
Spine or doormat? How much do you do at the request of your mate that you do not want to do? Why? Is your need for fairness met? Do you speak up? Do you stay silent because you value peace and do not see a harmonious “safe” way to share your disagreement or concern? Remember the “Expressing disagreement” section at the start of this chapter? My point? Allowing or feeding imbalance in a relationship will surely lead to a reduction in respect.
The following chapter on roommates will speak on much that overlaps with live-in romantic relationships.
Conversations
Conversation 1 Sam: “You left the kitchen a mess again. I’m tired of always cleaning up after you.” Taylor: “Seeing the kitchen in this state, are you upset?” Sam: “Duh? I feel like I’m doing all the work.” Taylor: “Wanting more balance and cooperation in handling household responsibilities?” Sam: “I just wish you’d help out more without me having to ask.” Taylor: “Disappointed when your hints don’t inspire action? Wanting more support?” Sam: “Kinda. I guess I am wanting you to be more observant.” Taylor: “Would you say it’s more about awareness?” Sam: “Yes! I’m getting an idea. Maybe it would help if I’m more clear in asking for what I want!”
Conversation 2 Jordan: “You spent how much money on that new TV?! We’re supposed to be saving!” Riley: “Oh, are you concerned about the money spent?” Jordan: “Yes, I just said that. We had a budget and you ignored it!” Riley: “I see how that can totally be upsetting!” Jordan: “Damned straight!” Riley: “Sounds like adhering to our agreed budget is important to you.” Jordan: “Not just important to me. It’s important!” Riley: “Is it also a matter of integrity?” Jordan: “Yes. And we can’t afford to spend money like that. There are plenty of things I’d love to just run out and buy on a whim!” Riley: “You worry about us getting bills paid on time. Security is important.” Jordan: “Yes!” Riley: “What do you say about sitting down with our budget and talking about what each of us can do to address our mutual security?” Note: Here, Riley may or may not be jumping a bit quickly to “solving / fixing.” How would you change this conversation?
Conversation 3 Pat: “You always want to do everything together. I need some space!” Dana: “Are you feeling overwhelmed because you value your personal time and independence?” Pat: “Exactly. I need some time to myself occasionally.” Dana: “Would more time alone help you to feel balanced and at peace?” Pat: “Yes, it helps me relax and recharge.” Dana: “Then I’ll be packing my bags!” Pat: “What!?” Dana: “Just kidding. I love you!”
Exercises
(1) Have you ever felt jealous in your relationship? How did you respond? Did you respond defensively or aggressively? What underlying values / needs triggered your jealousy? How could you respond empathetically and guess at the underlying values / needs that triggered the jealousy?
(2) Think about a recent action or behavior of your partner that stimulated upset for you. Instead of responding defensively or aggressively, can you try to consider the underlying motive, value, or need behind their action? How might this perspective shift your response and improve the relationship?
(3) Consider a situation where you need to give your partner difficult feedback or ask them a hard question. How can you provide them with an easy path to telling you the truth, while still expressing your values / needs in a way that comes from a place of understanding and empathy? How might this approach improve the authenticity and trust in your relationship?
Hint: it’s usually best to begin with guessing their feelings and needs / values in relation to what they have said so far that didn’t meet your need for trust or, if they haven’t said anything yet, you can imagine out loud in a “guess their feelings and needs” format to show you understand and accept their position. If this is a difficult exercise, feel free to re-read the part of this chapter on “Giving your lover an out.”
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