Chapter 4 – Basics of Practical Empathy Practice

Chapter 4 – Basics of Practical Empathy Practice from the book A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind by Scott Howard Swain.

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Chapter 4 – Challenges from Practical Empathy Practice (PEP) from the book A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind by Scott Howard Swain.

Get the book at https://amazon.com/dp/B0CQMG6MVM

Practical Empathy Practice (PEP) is a communication method similar to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) aiming to foster understanding and connection. This 12-minute talk is on Chapter 4, The Basics of Practical Empathy Practice.

The core of PEP involves a four-step process: **objective observation**, identifying **feelings**, recognizing underlying **values/needs**, and making **positive, actionable requests**. The text emphasizes distinguishing observations from evaluations and using “wants” or “values” instead of “needs” for clearer communication in everyday settings. Examples of both clinical and casual PEP conversations illustrate how the method works in practice. The ultimate goal is to build stronger relationships by fostering empathy and clear communication.

Briefing Document: Practical Empathy Practice (PEP) Basics

Introduction:

This document outlines the foundational principles of Practical Empathy Practice (PEP), a communication method rooted in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). PEP aims to foster understanding, connection, responsibility, clarity, and empowerment in interactions with ourselves and others. It emphasizes listening and speaking with the intention of liberation and connection. The core of PEP lies in a formula, closely mirroring NVC’s, which consists of Observation, Feeling, Need/Value, and Request (OFNR).

Key Concepts & Themes:

1. PEP Goals & Principles:

• Primary goals: Liberate, understand, strengthen connection, increase responsibility, display clarity, and empower self and others.
• Key principle: “We do not ‘make’ anyone feel anything. We may stimulate a feeling but then it is the person’s choice how they process what was said.”
• Needs and values are synonymous in PEP.
• Communication as a foundation of understanding: Building bridges of empathy through observation, recognition, and respectful requests.

1. The OFNR Formula:

• PEP integrates the NVC formula of Observation, Feeling, Need/Value, and Request as a structured approach to communication.
• This is a method of first understanding and then being understood.
• It can be used for self-reflection or communicating with others.

1. Observation (Without Evaluation):

• Definition: Objective description of what happened, perceived as from a video camera’s point of view.
• Purpose:“Learning to separate what is from our interpretation and evaluation of what is.”
• Demonstrates active listening.
• Provides an opportunity for others to challenge perceptions.
• Serves as a stepping-stone to identifying feelings.
• Distinction from Evaluation: Evaluation is judgement/interpretation and is prone to error. Observation is factual description, and not based on our individual interpretation.
• Examples:Evaluation: “George was rude and obnoxious.”
• Observation: “George said I was lying and stealing.”
• Clue for Evaluation: The presence of a form of “to be” (is, are, was, etc.) often indicates an evaluation.
• Value of Stating Observation First: Showing active listening, carefulness, cross-checking for accurate understanding, and creating a basis to then guess at feelings.
• “The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

1. Feelings:

• Purpose: Identifying the emotions connected to observations leads to a deeper understanding of the underlying needs/values.
• Categorization: Feelings are listed in two categories: when needs are satisfied and when needs are not satisfied.
• Examples:Satisfied needs: Affectionate, engaged, hopeful, confident, excited, grateful, joyful, peaceful, refreshed
• Unsatisfied needs: Afraid, annoyed, angry, confused, disconnected, embarrassed, fatigue, pain, tense, vulnerable, yearning, aversion, disquiet, sad.
• Feelings are used to guess at an underlying need, value, want or motive.
• Why state feeling second?: Observation is meant to naturally lead to the feeling. We don’t want to tell someone how to feel. Once we imagine the feeling, it is easier to guess at the underlying need.

1. Values / Needs / Wants / Motives / Desires:

• Definition: Underlying drivers of feelings and actions, synonymous with “needs” in NVC.
• PEP Flexibility: “Wants” and “values” are sometimes preferred to “needs” in PEP for broader understanding with people unfamiliar with NVC.
• *The word “needs” is not used in NVC the same way people commonly use the word.*
• Distinction from Maslow’s Needs: While there is some overlap with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, NVC and PEP needs differ somewhat.
• Categories: Connection, Honesty, Play, Meaning, Physical Well-being, Peace, Autonomy
• Examples: acceptance, appreciation, belonging, compassion, respect, love, safety, rest, freedom, creativity, etc.
• Distinguishing Needs/Values from Strategies
• **Rule of Thumb**: Is the stated need actually a verb, action, object, or strategy that can be translated to an underlying value? For example “I need you to..” or “I need a sandwich” are strategies for deeper, more universal values.
• “Is there already an established need / value that underlies this concept? For example, “I need quiet.” The need or value here might actually be consideration, harmony, peace, or rest.”

1. Request (Positive & Doable):

• Definition: A clear and positive action a person can take.
• Not a Demand: Requests should be presented as a question where refusal is acceptable. We want people to do things out of a sincere desire to increase joy for all involved, not out of obligation, guilt, shame, etc.
• Emphasis on Positivity: Stating what is wanted, not what is not wanted for clarity and a higher likelihood of being understood.
• Examples:Instead of “Please stop drinking so much beer,” use “Please drink less beer and more water.”
• Instead of “I wish you would stop spending so much money on highly processed burgers!” use “Are you up for spending that money on healthy food instead?”
• Instead of “I wish you would stop staying out all night playing pool!” use “Instead of staying out every night, I’d love for you to come home earlier to spend time with me.”
• “When you push someone to do something against their will, they may give in, but they will make sure you pay a price at some point.”

1. “Clinical” vs. “Natural” PEP

• Clinical PEP: More structured with explicit connections between observation, feeling and need/value. It is used for practice and integration, allowing for corrections along the way.
• Natural/Street PEP: More conversational, often omitting the word “need,” and breaking the empathy question into multiple parts.
• The purpose of practicing clinical PEP is to create the ability to move more naturally while still following the core principles.

1. Why “Wants” and “Values” Over “Needs” (in some contexts):

• Jargon: “Needs” has a specific meaning in NVC and is different from common usage. Using “wants” or “values” can avoid triggering defenses.
• Request vs. Demand: “Want” implies more openness to a “no” than “need,” which can sound like a demand.
• Efficiency and ease in learning: The distinction between “NVC needs” and the common use of the word needs comes up often, and so avoiding this difference can make PEP easier to understand.

1. Importance of “Empathy for Other”

• Beginners often get excited by the “permission” they feel to express their feelings and needs. This is a good thing, but it can be limiting if we don’t go further toward seeking empathy for others.

Practical Application:

• Practice the OFNR formula as a structured approach to communication.
• Focus on describing situations objectively without evaluations.
• Identify feelings connected to situations.
• Determine the underlying values, needs, wants and motives.
• Frame requests positively and with clear, actionable steps.
• Be conscious of how the language we use may impact others.
• Remember that requests are never demands and should be asked in a way where it is okay for someone to say “no.”
• Practice moving from “clinical” to “street” forms of conversation.
• It is possible that only one person can fulfil certain needs such as comforting a child or reconciliation in a relationship.
• Avoid “jumping the gun” by offering solutions instead of staying with empathy.

Examples of Conversations (Clinical and Street):

• Clinical Examples: Focus on explicitly stating the observation, feelings, and needs/values using phrases like “when you…do you feel…because you value/need…”.
• Street Examples: More natural-sounding, with less explicit connection between components, for example, “Sounds annoying,” “You’re feeling distracted by the noise,” or “Is respecting your personal space and belongings something you value?”

Conclusion:

Practical Empathy Practice, built on the foundation of NVC, provides a structured approach to communication that prioritizes understanding, connection, and respect. By practicing the OFNR formula and focusing on positive, doable requests, individuals can improve their ability to communicate effectively, foster healthy relationships, and contribute to a more compassionate world. This document is a basic overview and further chapters will dive deeper into the many concepts introduced.