Practical Empathy Practice (PEP) is a communication method similar to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) aiming to foster understanding and connection. This 12-minute talk is on Chapter 4, The Basics of Practical Empathy Practice.
The core of PEP involves a four-step process: **objective observation**, identifying **feelings**, recognizing underlying **values/needs**, and making **positive, actionable requests**. The text emphasizes distinguishing observations from evaluations and using “wants” or “values” instead of “needs” for clearer communication in everyday settings. Examples of both clinical and casual PEP conversations illustrate how the method works in practice. The ultimate goal is to build stronger relationships by fostering empathy and clear communication.
Briefing Document on Analysis of Chapter 3:
Okay, here’s a detailed briefing document summarizing the key themes and ideas from the provided document, “Ch-03-Core-principles-n-no-nos.pdf,” focusing on Practical Empathy Practice (P.E.P.):
Briefing Document: Core Principles & No-No’s of Practical Empathy Practice (P.E.P.)
Introduction
This document reviews the core principles and common pitfalls outlined in Chapter 3 of Scott Howard Swain’s book, “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind,” which introduces Practical Empathy Practice (P.E.P.). P.E.P. is a method of listening and speaking aimed at liberation, understanding, strengthening connections, increasing responsibility, displaying clarity, and empowering oneself and others. The chapter focuses on distinguishing P.E.P. from other communication styles and behaviors that can hinder connection and understanding.
Core Principles of Practical Empathy Practice (P.E.P.)
Own Your Feelings: A central tenet of P.E.P. is personal responsibility for one’s own emotions. The document states, “Own your feelings, own your power. Don’t give others the keys to your emotional kingdom.” This emphasizes that external events and other people’s actions may trigger feelings, but individuals ultimately control how they respond to those feelings. As Becky Bailey is paraphrased saying, “No one can make you happy or angry without your permission. People do not make us happy or angry; they trigger our emotions.“
Needs and Values are Synonymous: In P.E.P., the terms “needs” and “values” are used interchangeably. Understanding and identifying underlying needs/values is key to connecting with ourselves and others.
Choice in Emotional Processing: While external stimuli can trigger emotions, P.E.P. acknowledges that “we do not ‘make’ anyone feel anything. We may stimulate a feeling but then it is the person’s choice how they process what was said.“
Empathy vs. Sympathy: P.E.P. distinguishes between empathy (cognitive empathy) and sympathy (affective empathy), but also asserts that both have value, contrary to earlier interpretations of NVC.
Empathy (Cognitive Empathy): This involves understanding another person’s perspective, mental state, or feelings without necessarily feeling with them. The goal here is to understand, not necessarily to feel the same emotion.
Example: “Oh. When Jim said that in front of your peers, were you embarrassed and angry?”
Sympathy (Affective Empathy): This involves feeling for or with another person, and can include bringing one’s own experiences into the conversation, which the author used to discourage in the past, and now sees as useful in building connection.
Example: “I know how much you value integrity and competency, so I can imagine how much that hurt!”
Flexibility: P.E.P. practitioners should be aware that cognitive empathy can evolve into affective empathy but that one may want to remain cognitive to manage difficult or potentially triggering situations.
Benefits of Sympathy: The document highlights that sympathy is a valid form of connection and can help establish trust, shared reality, and understanding. “You can be sympathetic without making their story about you.“
Consent: P.E.P. emphasizes that people should only do what you want when they also want to do it. Avoidance of guilt, shame, blame, advice or demands are key aspects of this principle. “When you coerce others to get what you want, you will at some point pay the price.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg, paraphrased“
“No-No’s” (Connection-Reducing Behaviors to Avoid in P.E.P.)
The document identifies several common communication patterns and behaviors that can impede connection and understanding:
Evaluation and Moral Judgment: Judging others, whether positively or negatively, can reduce connection. “Evaluating – positive or negative – tends to reduce connection, create friction or misunderstanding, and can reinforce an authoritarian mindset.” Instead, it is more effective to shift to value judgments by focusing on one’s own feelings and needs:
Example: “He’s a loser” becomes “I’m disappointed in his performance…”
Guilt and Shame: Using guilt or shame to manipulate behavior is discouraged. “Guilt and shame use moral judgment or evaluation to try to modify others’ behavior and / or cause them to regret their choices.” The document encourages taking responsibility for feelings and expressing them clearly.
Example: “Don’t you care about how that affects mom?” becomes “I’m worried about how that affects mom.”
Open-Ended “How Do You Feel?” Questions: While they can seem like a tool for empathy, open-ended questions may encourage self-evaluation or dishonesty, and may unintentionally lead the other person away from the values or feelings the questioner is trying to learn about. P.E.P. advocates for guessing feelings and needs, as it can be a better starting point to guide people toward their truest feelings and needs and encourage them to share their perspective. The benefits of guessing are:
Giving the person an “out” to express risky or difficult feelings
Showing effort,
Exercising empathy skills,
Providing depth,
Showing vulnerability and courage, and
Improving calibration and intuition
Giving Advice Without Consent: Offering advice without being asked can be interpreted as pushy, judgmental, and assuming superior knowledge. It also denies them the opportunity to find their own answers. Instead, ask for consent before offering advice.
Example: “That’s intense! Are you up for hearing an idea I have about that?”
Reassurance: While motivated by care, reassurance can dismiss or invalidate another person’s feelings, imply a lack of confidence in them, and even create dependency. “Reassurance is usually talking about what can be or should be, instead of sharing in their world as it is right now.” Instead of reassurance, try to understand by connecting with and naming their needs. * Example of an Empathetic alternative: “When it’s dark in here, do you worry that hidden monsters will attack?”
Compliments: Traditional compliments can be evaluative, manipulative, or create dependency. Instead, focus on expressing personal feelings and needs.
Example: “You are so smart!” becomes “I really like hanging out with you because I value mental stimulation.”
Apologies: Overusing apologies can be a “blame game” and diminish personal power and respect. Acknowledge responsibility without feeding the “bad behavior” paradigm.
Example: Instead of “I’m sorry,” consider “Thanks for your patience!”
Comparisons: Comparing others to an ideal or to someone else is a form of judgment and can be hurtful. The document includes a quote from Marshall Rosenberg stating “Another form of judgment is the use of comparisons.“
Black and White Thinking: This refers to the tendency to define things in extremes, missing the nuances and complexities. “Define your world in black & white and you miss what is hidden in the gray.” This is also referred to as “splitting” in psychology.
Example: Instead of saying “You never want to do what I want to do!”, try, “I’m worried that we haven’t wanted to do the same thing in a month.”
Practical Examples & Conversations
The document offers practical examples and conversational prompts that illustrate how to apply the principles and avoid the pitfalls of P.E.P.:
Clinical Examples: These show how to rephrase evaluative statements into statements that identify feelings and needs.
Example: “I can’t believe Charlie messed up the proposal!” becomes “When the proposal was mishandled, did you feel frustrated because you value professionalism and competence?”
Street Examples: These show how to integrate P.E.P. principles into everyday conversations by guessing feelings and needs, asking for consent, and creating a dialogue.
Key Takeaways
Empowerment through Self-Responsibility: P.E.P. empowers individuals to take charge of their feelings and responses, fostering emotional autonomy and self-awareness.
Connection through Understanding: The emphasis on understanding, rather than just agreement, paves the way for deeper and more meaningful connections.
Awareness of Language: The document encourages intentionality in communication, highlighting how language choices can either build or break down relationships.
Nuance & Flexibility: There are no absolute rules in P.E.P. Each principle can be applied in a spectrum of ways. The ultimate goal is to apply the principles and strategies to build understanding and connection through mindful choices.
Intentionality & Practice: P.E.P. requires awareness, intentionality, and practice. It is through practice that we develop awareness and become more intentional with our language.
Conclusion
This chapter on P.E.P. outlines a comprehensive approach to communication that prioritizes understanding, connection, and personal responsibility. By applying these principles, individuals can navigate interpersonal relationships with greater empathy and build a more empowering communication style.
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